Lady Gaga gets candid with Vanity Fair about her history with relationships: “I have never felt truly cherished by a lover. I have an inability to know what happiness feels like with a man,” the singer tells contributing editor Lisa Robinson. “I say this honestly, and this is my new thing as of the past year: when I fight with someone I’m in a relationship with, I think, What would my fans think if they knew this was happening? How would they feel about my work and about me as a female if they knew I was allowing this to go on? And then I get out.”
Will her rumored romance with Vampire Diaries actor Taylor Kinney be a departure from this disappointing history? “I have this effect on people where it starts out good. Then, when I’m in these relationships with people who are also creative, or creative in their own way, what happens is the attraction is initially there and it’s all unicorns and rainbows. And then they hate me.”
But her creativity is the one thing she says she will not compromise on, no matter the cost to her romantic life. “Perhaps it’s a whose-dick-is-bigger contest. If I go to the piano and write a quick song and play it back, they are angry with how fast and effortless it is. That’s who I am, and I don’t apologize for it. But it’s a hideous place to be in when someone that you love has convinced you that you will never be good enough for anyone. I had a man say to me, ‘You will die alone in a house bigger than you know, with all your money and hit records, and you will die alone.’”
In these dark moments, Gaga tells Robinson, she has found meaning in her work: “Even though I know it sounds a bit Hallmark, whenever I [was] in that kind of stressful, worthless moment, I would think, I’ll show you.’” Gaga continues, “I think what it really is, is that I date creative people. And I think that what intimidates them is not my purse; it’s my mind.”
Gaga says the weird thing is, after she’s left a few people, they’ve asked her to marry them. “How f–kin’ romantic, you a–hole. Sure, pop a ring on my finger and make it all better. I can buy myself a f–kin’ ring.”
Robinson spends time on the set of Lady Gaga’s most raw and personal video to date, “Marry the Night.” It is “autobiographical,” according to Gaga, and required the grueling task of “getting ready to relive the worst day of my life.” She has never talked about it before. Prior to filming a hospital scene in which Gaga, appearing bruised and drugged up, is wheeled on a gurney into a women’s clinic, she asks Robinson and a few others in her trailer how far she should go with the re-enactment; she decides to commit to it fully.
“It’s chaotic and sad. But I don’t want it to be safe,” she says.